Game Over

This picture was taken during Miss A’s and my last 5 am feeding this morning. The house was dark, my eyes were teary, and even though I was tired from only getting 3 hours of sleep, I gladly woke up to get the chance to spend what last few moments I had.

Tuesday was a hard day for us Ewing’s. Tuesday was the day that we were informed that our wish for a court hearing ended and that come Monday the 14th, Miss A would be leaving our home and joining her biological family for the rest of her life. I cried my eyes out as I sat holding her behind my desk at work. I ignored my incoming emails, my pending deadlines and instead just sat there cuddled up to her. I cried so much that I became numb. My only source of comfort - concentrating on the positives. We still after all had one weekend left. Surly we could accept it and life would be fine.

That acceptance ended however yesterday as we received a heavy blow. The courts were pushing for a faster turn-around and we were informed that the deadline needed to be moved up. Friday was the new date and there was nothing we could say or do that could change it. As I stared at the phone number on the caller ID, I found it ironic that the number started with 817-666. My blood was boiling, my tears racing. They took the one and only good thing I was holding onto. My weekend.

Today we said goodbye, and strangely as I write this, I feel ok. I’m frustrated with the system. I’m frustrated with my agency. I’m frustrated with life. However, I suppose we will survive. This trip has been the biggest trial of our marriage. We were so excited in the beginning. Making plans, dreaming dreams, imagining everything that was in store. We thought for sure that as soon as we reached our destination there would be someone sitting there. Someone perfect and wonderful. But there wasn’t. We exited our so called “plane” back in March, and we walked into an airport with no one there. No one was waiting for us to land. No one cared. I don’t know what I’m going to do now. I know I’m supposed to keep waiting, but I’m not sure I have the desire. My home and heart has a huge hole now, and there’s nothing I can do about it.